An Odd Welcome to Spring

It’s amazing how fast time goes by.  It’s been a fare while since I’ve found a moment to post anything here.  But today, at last, I have a moment to breath and think things over.  The last twelve months have not been the easiest for me.  A year ago today my father passed away.  In that moment the world flipped on its head.  Ever since then, it has felt as if I were racing to put things right again, praying desperately that the world would make sense again.  Looking back over the last year I think the world has finally righted itself again.  But it is a different world then the one I remember and oddly I find myself all right with that.

This past year has taught me that life is all about changing and growing.  It’s about learning when to hold on for dear life and when to let go.  It’s about finding happiness in the stupid little things that come along.  It’s about learning that things will happen in their time and that the universe can’t be rushed.  And its about remembering that a single decision, going left instead of right, those tiny events lead us to where we are now. 

A year after the world flipped on its head I can finally say that I understand how I found myself here and that I have no regrets.  There have been tears and pain, no doubt.  I would love a few more minutes with those who have passed on to other things.  But for the first time in a long while I find myself beginning to grow comfortable with where I am and who I am becoming.  And that is a gift.

Spring has finally arrived and the world is waking up.  And it feels like I am waking up too, from a long hibernation.  So allow me to shout out my welcome to this new world that I find before me.  I look forward to getting to know it better and starting my next great adventure.

Welcome back spring, with all your possibilities.  It’s good to see you again.

Pandora

Mush, Blank Rooms and Death by Sheep

So why is it that when you are trying to write something totally brilliant your brain churns out nothing but mush?  All your ideas are horrible, your plot lines have gapping holes and at the end of the day all you have to show for your troubles is a pile of crumpled and partially singed paper.  But when you’re trying to get to sleep because you’ve just gotten home from your grueling job and you haven’t slept well in a week, your brain suddenly goes into overdrive.  Instead of catching up on your zzzz’s you’re vaulting from bed every ten seconds to write something down because you know if you wait, by morning all you’ll have left is a pile of mush.  I think the Muses just have a very sick sense of humor.  They’re all, sure you can write brilliantly but you won’t get any sleep so in a year’s time you’ll be a raving lunatic.  Provided, of course, that you aren’t all ready crazy.  Maybe that’s what happened to me.  Hmmm, something to think on I guess.

Now here is something else that bothers me.  When I can’t sleep because my mind won’t shut up, I try to calm my thoughts.  I usually start with an empty, blank room.  Very calming and soothing right?  You would think so, but oh no.  Me, I’m suddenly annoyed that the room is blank so I have to start decorating it or blowing it up or something and my mind is off again, a billion miles a minute.  So then I try to count sheep.  Very traditional.  Now I don’t know about you, but my sheep are always jumping over a fence.  One sheep over, two sheep over, and so on.  But now I’m wondering, why the hell are they jumping fences?  I mean have you ever seen a sheep jump a fence?  No, neither have I.  I’ve ridden a sheep once when I was like five.  It was some ridiculous rodeo my parents entered me in.  Thought it would be loads of fun.  Ha ha ha.  Thanks a lot!  I hung on by clinging to the side of the sheep and the only thing that kept me from falling off was the overwhelming fear that I would fall and be trampled.  Then my death certificate would read: Killed by sheep.  A rather pathetic end really.  Anyway that’s my random rant for the day.  I’m done now.

A New Venture

After much encouragement from my writing friends I have finally started this blogging thing.  It’s probably something I should have done a while back but better late then never.  Thus is the Dinning Room Wall born.  One part diary, one part place to get my work out there and one part my brain exploding all over a word document.  I apologize in advance.  There will probably be a lot of brain exploding.

This past year has been a particularly trying one and I would be a fool if I didn’t admit that the words saved me.  It is also in the words that I’m rediscovering what makes me tick.  I beg you to bear with me.  There will be a lot on here that is experimentation, a lot that I’ve never attempted before.  Some of it will no doubt be brilliant.  The rest will be used to line local litter boxes.  And that is the beauty of writing.  It’s allowed to be brilliant and horrid all at the same time.

So to everyone out there, I thank you in advance for reading and in case we don’t chat again before the holiday, I wish you all the best and the making of some fabulous new memories.

With hopes for a great New Year and a large glass of Eggnog,

Pandora

An Ode to You

Another year has almost come and gone

The hardest one yet

I couldn’t watch you fade away

And now it still seems unreal

Shattered dreams and shattered plans

A strange new world, without you in it

Somehow I’m still breathing

Still searching for something I can’t name

Now it’s your voice in my head

That tells me to keep going

The old is wiped away

The new path sits unclear

I watch the sun come up and wonder

What comes next

Do I stay

Do I stand and walk away

Can I find the strength to leave behind

The dreams we used to have

New fears, new hopes

Bred of death

And the life that followed

Clearer eyes and truths finally faced

Learning to remember

While finding the will to let go

I say goodbye, take a step forward

Heart in my throat, tears in my eyes

Farewell, you were loved

But it wasn’t a waste

Life or death

For you carry on in me